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Imagine for a moment that you are overhearing someone talking. Now — what are we hearing? Unfortunately, one can hear similar comments from each. For many young gay men, and even some older ones, the entire concept of BDSM is unfamiliar, intimidating, and even evokes hostility. But on a closer look, the potential benefits of at least experimenting with such sexual play can be plentiful. As gay men evolve in their sexual repertoire and skills in the years after coming out, discovering these types of non-vanilla play can be an exhilarating discovery of self, partner, and community, and an extremely beneficial tool for building the skills of relationship with a partner, from communication, negotiation, building intimacy, increasing trust, and deep emotional bonding.
Physical experimentation in BDSM play can have exciting and joyous emotional benefits, and can include exploring and intensifying the five senses of the human body — much the way a visit to a theme park gay men kink thrill us by inducing speed, height, centrifugal force, wind, temperature and moisture changes through the de of various thrill rides. Various BDSM specialty equipment and toys can be used to enhance, control, intensify, and manipulate senses — including sensory deprivation — that can thrillingly enhance natural human endorphins and endocrine responses, such as adrenaline.
Electric stimulators, feathers, pinwheels, hot wax, and even simple ice cubes can expand touch immensely. Sight can be manipulated by leather blindfolds, hoods, or ambient lighting candles or black lights. Taste can be manipulated by ball gags, or feeding gags — or the erotic application of common foods such as whipped cream, puddings, gelatin, ice, honey, and grapes. Because of the safety implications of some of this play, books or courses from Avatar should be consulted first. Even a brief review of online resources reveals that much useful information about BDSM play exists on the Internet, both straight and gay.
According to Cory Silverberg of About.
BDSM play might be using a pair of handcuffs to lock your partner to a bed post during sex, to elaborate scenarios of dominance and submission that include role play, uniforms, leather gear, rubber gear, and other kinds of costumes. BDSM play can also be a way for guys in recovery from crystal meth addiction to deeply intensify the senses and sexual experiences while still remaining sober.
BDSM describes only actions that all parties choose to participate in. Any sexual activity that is unwanted or forced upon someone else would not be considered BDSM — it would be considered harassment or assault. There actually can be compelling benefits to mental health of the individual, including general gay men kink and relationship skills. Richard A. Some of the benefits these men identified included:. Perhaps most importantly in a couple, it can build trust and intimacy. Other psychotherapists have contributed extensively to these ideas in writing and clinical practice long before me.
Guy Baldwin is a renowned Los Angeles therapist with such experience, who is the author of various important essays and two books, Ties That Bind and SlaveCraftas well as essays in Drummer magazine and the winner of the Leather Leadership Award. Beginners can enjoy their journey of exploration just by reaching out and reading some of the resources, and experimenting with some of the play activities that intrigue them the most. For most guys, one aspect of BDSM play usually attracts them first. Or perhaps the couple peruses the workshops offered by Avatar, and attends a class from the list that appeals to them both.
Communication and discussion come first.
Express your innermost desires and fantasies to your partner, either verbally or having written them down, and let him talk about his. Then, narrow them down your options into something you might want to try tonight. Then, go home and try them out! The sense of playfulness, discovery, and erotic fun with each other can be quite intense.
Many people ask me, as a therapist, do I think that BDSM play is a re-enactment of past childhood abuse. Assuming you are with a consenting adult, this means that saying yes is seeking gay men kink, asking for, and getting the kinds of sexual play you want to participate in, that stimulates, excites, and satisfies you — however vanilla, or however kinky. Saying no is setting the boundaries wherever you feel they need to be set, having control over your own body such as who touches it, when, how, and for how longand declining any kind of sexual act that is triggering for traumatic memories, boring, uncomfortable, or just plain unpleasurable.
As an adult, we learn to be aware of what our sexuality means to us, and share and negotiate with a partner how the best sexual play can be realized. For most people, our favorite sexual expressions can be quite individual — like our fingerprints — and while fetishes and preferred play can be varied, we can often find like minds by using the Internet websites, clubs, or affinity groups on Yahoo.
Safety — both emotional and physical — is always of paramount importance, particularly when involved in potentially dangerous items that constrict body movement, affect breathing, environmental safety candles, water, electricity, etc. Having EMT scissors to cut ropes, learning to tie gay men kink knots, and other precautions should be part of preparation for any play scene. More resources and seemingly endless articles are available online to explore any aspect of BDSM play that intrigues you. An open mind, and a sense of optimism, playfulness, trust, patience, and experimentation are keys to its enjoyment.
Often participants find their experiences to be different — and usually MUCH more pleasurable — in actual experience than they ever imagined or anticipated in their mind, once they give something a try. So the next time you overhear comments that dismiss kink play out of hand, try to consider the other side — you might just discover wonderful and new things about yourself that take you to new heights of sexual satisfaction. And having an optimal sex life is one way to… Have the Life You Want!
Online Resources:. Some of the benefits these men identified included: Learning the difference between power and force, sensation, and limits of the body. Teaching us better negotiation and communication skills, increasing self-awareness of our limits and boundaries, and how to assertively communicate and achieve our most fantastical of erotic desires. Online Resources: Avatar-LA. Leave a Reply Cancel reply. Contact Me.
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